Love and Logic Basics
Here are some helpful things from Love and Logic in a nutshell. I made this up for a class I taught and thought it might be helpful to some of you. I know it is every time I look at it and remember how I actually should be doing it :).
If you take anything from this class take this……
-Enforce all consequences with EMPATHY.
-Oh, that’s so sad
-Let your children make mistakes and suffer the consequences
-However you decide to parent, BE CONSISTENT
-When you have said no, DO NOT GIVE IN
-Don’t make everything into drama, just make it a simple, “I know, I bet you feel sad about that.” And be done with it. Walk out of the room. Move on.
-Don’t order your kids around! They feel a loss of control and will unleash a craziness upon you
-Offer choices
-Milk or Juice, shoes or sandals, jacket or coat, apple or banana
-“Do you want to do it, or do you want me to do it for you?”
-Any time you can’t offer choices, explain that it’s mom’s turn to decide. Empathize if they get grouchy. (this only works if you have already deposited into the account by offering lots of choices)
-Don’t use physical punishment, it isn’t real world. We don’t get spanked for anything in the real world. And good luck teaching your kid not to hit if you hit them (even a slap on the hand is going to be confusing to them)
-If you have said something that you regret, Make it right!
-Don’t yell
-Remember that if it isn’t a problem for you, then it really doesn’t need to be a problem. (EX: if their whining is bugging you, send them somewhere else to whine or cry and eliminate the problem for you. They can cry if they want if it isn’t hurting you. If they don’t eat their food, it’s not really a problem for you, but it will be a problem for them later, “so sad”)
-Use positive language, “you are welcome to join us when you are calm”, “feel free to have some dessert when your dinner is finished”
-Make a plan for problems that are recurring, otherwise they will always be problems.
Ideas for what to do when your child………
• Just hit another child
-“Oh, that’s sad that you chose to hit ______, I’ll let you know when the timer goes off and you can come back out to show me that you don’t hit.”
-“I love to play with kids who I know aren’t going to hit me. I’ll check on you when the buzzer goes off to see if we can play or not.”
- (think of your own to put in the blanks.)
___________________________________________________________
• Throws a tantrum
-“I know, now can you help me ___________”
-“I bet you feel really sad that you can’t __________” (kids need validation for their feelings, so give it to them. Don’t ever tell them to stop crying, there
is probably a reason.)
-“Go ahead and throw your tantrum as loud as you want in your room and feel free to come out when you are calm.”
-________________________________________________________
• Whines
-“I know”
-“Nice try”
(you are so mean)-“I hope you get over that feeling”
-Don’t cater to all of their little whines or you will spend your whole day solving problems.
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t eat
-“Feel free to have dessert when you are finished with your dinner.”
-“I give dessert to kids who eat their dinner”
-“Dinner is over in 10 minutes, hope you get enough to keep you until morning.” (just try it once, you might be surprised that your child really does get hungry)
-let them miss snack if they don’t eat their lunch, “I give snacks to kids who eat their lumch”
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t get dressed
-“Do you want your clothes in a bag or on you?”
-“Do you want me to get your shoes or pants?”
-“Feel free to come out and play as soon as you are dressed.”
-“I’ll be playing games out here for the next 20 minutes, I would love to play with you when you are dressed.”
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t get ready to go
-“I gave you so many choices today, but now mommy needs to decide, so please go jump in the car.”
-“What song should we listen to in the car?” (this will hopefully side step any tantrum at all)
-_______________________________________________________
• Is fighting in the car
-“I take kids who are sweet to _________.” (if they fight again, do not go. If you have to go, DO NOT use this one)
• Won’t do something they are asked to do
-“Oh, that’s sad, I guess mom will do it her own way then” (pick up their toys and put in bag.
-“Oh, that’s sad.” (next time they ask for something, you can say you are too tired because of all the toys you had to clean up or whatever it is you did.)
-________________________________________________________
•
If you take anything from this class take this……
-Enforce all consequences with EMPATHY.
-Oh, that’s so sad
-Let your children make mistakes and suffer the consequences
-However you decide to parent, BE CONSISTENT
-When you have said no, DO NOT GIVE IN
-Don’t make everything into drama, just make it a simple, “I know, I bet you feel sad about that.” And be done with it. Walk out of the room. Move on.
-Don’t order your kids around! They feel a loss of control and will unleash a craziness upon you
-Offer choices
-Milk or Juice, shoes or sandals, jacket or coat, apple or banana
-“Do you want to do it, or do you want me to do it for you?”
-Any time you can’t offer choices, explain that it’s mom’s turn to decide. Empathize if they get grouchy. (this only works if you have already deposited into the account by offering lots of choices)
-Don’t use physical punishment, it isn’t real world. We don’t get spanked for anything in the real world. And good luck teaching your kid not to hit if you hit them (even a slap on the hand is going to be confusing to them)
-If you have said something that you regret, Make it right!
-Don’t yell
-Remember that if it isn’t a problem for you, then it really doesn’t need to be a problem. (EX: if their whining is bugging you, send them somewhere else to whine or cry and eliminate the problem for you. They can cry if they want if it isn’t hurting you. If they don’t eat their food, it’s not really a problem for you, but it will be a problem for them later, “so sad”)
-Use positive language, “you are welcome to join us when you are calm”, “feel free to have some dessert when your dinner is finished”
-Make a plan for problems that are recurring, otherwise they will always be problems.
Ideas for what to do when your child………
• Just hit another child
-“Oh, that’s sad that you chose to hit ______, I’ll let you know when the timer goes off and you can come back out to show me that you don’t hit.”
-“I love to play with kids who I know aren’t going to hit me. I’ll check on you when the buzzer goes off to see if we can play or not.”
- (think of your own to put in the blanks.)
___________________________________________________________
• Throws a tantrum
-“I know, now can you help me ___________”
-“I bet you feel really sad that you can’t __________” (kids need validation for their feelings, so give it to them. Don’t ever tell them to stop crying, there
is probably a reason.)
-“Go ahead and throw your tantrum as loud as you want in your room and feel free to come out when you are calm.”
-________________________________________________________
• Whines
-“I know”
-“Nice try”
(you are so mean)-“I hope you get over that feeling”
-Don’t cater to all of their little whines or you will spend your whole day solving problems.
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t eat
-“Feel free to have dessert when you are finished with your dinner.”
-“I give dessert to kids who eat their dinner”
-“Dinner is over in 10 minutes, hope you get enough to keep you until morning.” (just try it once, you might be surprised that your child really does get hungry)
-let them miss snack if they don’t eat their lunch, “I give snacks to kids who eat their lumch”
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t get dressed
-“Do you want your clothes in a bag or on you?”
-“Do you want me to get your shoes or pants?”
-“Feel free to come out and play as soon as you are dressed.”
-“I’ll be playing games out here for the next 20 minutes, I would love to play with you when you are dressed.”
-________________________________________________________
• Won’t get ready to go
-“I gave you so many choices today, but now mommy needs to decide, so please go jump in the car.”
-“What song should we listen to in the car?” (this will hopefully side step any tantrum at all)
-_______________________________________________________
• Is fighting in the car
-“I take kids who are sweet to _________.” (if they fight again, do not go. If you have to go, DO NOT use this one)
• Won’t do something they are asked to do
-“Oh, that’s sad, I guess mom will do it her own way then” (pick up their toys and put in bag.
-“Oh, that’s sad.” (next time they ask for something, you can say you are too tired because of all the toys you had to clean up or whatever it is you did.)
-________________________________________________________
•
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