Here is a copy of the 5th Sunday Combined meeting lesson I gave on parenting. Sorry, it's just the notes I used, so it isn't really a final product, but you get the idea.
Parenting with Love
and….More Love
I want to start by
talking about guilt. On the guilt spectrum regarding parenting, there is
a healthy amount of guilt. The amount that gets you motivated to action
and excited to see a change in your family. Then, there is an unhealthy
level of guilt. The paralyzing level that causes you to go into a
depression because you feel like all hope is lost. Today, make sure you
only allow yourself the healthy amount of guilt. Guilt is very helpful in
creating change but too much becomes too much to handle sometimes. So,
let's all commit today, to allow just enough guilt in to make a healthy change
in our homes. If it gets to the unhelpful point, we commit to let it go
and move on.
Also, I realize that not
everyone here is a parent. But, just like we women are pretty good at
applying priesthood lessons to ourselves, I hope that all of you can apply this
to your life. We all have opportunities to rear children, or some of you
are the children that we are speaking of. This lesson applies to
everyone. And, youth, if you listen carefully, you may be able to figure
out all of your parents secrets, so listen up. (when I say, “our
Children”= The lives of the children over whom we have influence
Since the topic of my
lesson is parenting, I decided I better let me kids weigh in on what I should
teach to help parents become better. I asked them what they thought I
should teach parents to help them be better. They gave me their answers.
I asked them at 2 separate times when the other one was not around.
I loved their answers, I wrote them down and thought I might actually use
a few of them and then got going on my talk. I started compiling and went
lots of different directions. When I originally was thinking about what I would
say, it was a very different lesson. It morphed and changed dramatically.
As I was finishing up last night, I came across them
again. Those answers cover all of the topics I am going to cover today.
I became a little emotional because I realized that they know more about
good parenting than I do. I consider that a tender mercy from the Lord
telling me to listen to my children.
Their answers:
Mason: Listen to them
be kind
don’t be mean
Logan: to don’t
yell at their kids
don’t let their kids say
potty words
Follow the Spirits
I want to start with a
video
Watch video
Are we there. Are
we present in the lives of “our children?” Are we making time for them?
Are we so overstressed and overscheduled that we push them aside.
ARe we LISTENING to them?
Each child is unique and
we need to parent them that way.
Listen to them and follow the Spirit
We must listen to our
children. Through what they say and through what they do and how they
interact with us. Let them tell you what they need. Sometimes we
don’t know what they need, the Lord always does.
Pray to Know a Child’s Needs
“To speak to a child’s
heart, we must know a child’s needs. If we pray to know those needs, the very
words we say may have the power to reach into their hearts. Our efforts are
magnified when we seek the direction of the Holy Ghost. The Lord said:
“Speak the thoughts that
I shall put into your hearts, …
“For it shall be given
you in the very hour, yea, in the very moment, what ye shall say.””
-Rosemary Wixom-Primary
General President
-I
know this is true, when I take the time to ask, I am always blessed with
guidance for the child.
In a book I recently
read called, Behold your little ones, Karen J Ashton who has been on the
primary general board talks about how the Savior took the children One by one
and blessed them and prayed for them. He was teaching us how to care for
children….individually, one by one. They are individuals with individual needs.
I loved that. What if our Heavenly Father parented us all the same?
I’m so grateful for a Father in Heaven who knows me and my needs.
“One of the most
difficult parental challenges is to appropriately discipline children. Child
rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works
with one may not work with another. I do not know who is wise enough to say
what discipline is too harsh or what is too lenient except the parents of the children
themselves, who love them most. It is a matter of prayerful discernment for the
parents.” -James E. Faust
-If we take prayer
seriously and use it to raise our children, we will have more confidence in our
parenting because we will know we are heading in the right direction.
Don’t Be Mean
Elder Ballard said,
“The single most important principle that should govern every home is to
practice the Golden Rule—the Lord’s admonition that “all things whatsoever ye
would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).
-Hmmm...does he mean
to tell us we are supposed to treat EVERYONE that way? Even our kids? Did anyone ever say that the golden rule
applies to everyone on Earth, except of course, when we are dealing with
children and youth? Has anyone ever
heard that? I most certainly have not. That rule applies to
everyone.
-Tell me, how many of
you enjoy being bossed around? How many of you like your recreation to be
interrupted by someone telling you that you must stop immediately? How
many of you enjoy being told what you will eat and when you will eat it?
Why on earth, do we think our kids will respond to that then. We
must treat them like we would like to be treated.
-Now I do want to make
sure that not being bossy is not confused with permissiveness. In a home
there need to be rules and discipline, however, the way in which we handle how
the rules are enforced is what I am talking about. I will give 3
examples:
Toddler: Time to clean
up, would you like to do it now or in 5 minutes. 5 minutes passes: what would
you like to clean up first?
Mid-range: Time to go
brush teeth, you can take as long as you would like, but I start reading books
in 5 minutes.
12 yr. old: Hey, how
much longer do you think you need to tie up loose ends on this video game?
Okay, sounds reasonable.
Teen calls and asks to
stay later. Well, our rule is midnight because we don’t feel it’s
safe for you to be out any later, but you know the consequences for broken
rules so I’ll see you when I see you.
We can parent lovingly with no mean,
sarcastic remarks. It will change how
our children react to us dramatically.
It will be a good change, I promise!
I was talking with my
dad last night and asked him how he decided how to parent. I never heard my dad yell, EVER! He told me he followed D&C 121. So, let’s
read and apply each verse to parenting.
D&C 121: 39-43
39 We have learned by
sad experience that it is the anature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little
bauthority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise cunrighteous dominion. (oops, have we abused our authority as parents)
41 No apower or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the bpriesthood, only by cpersuasion, by dlong-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love
unfeigned;
42 By akindness, and pure bknowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the csoul without dhypocrisy, and without eguile—
43 aReproving betimes with bsharpness, when cmoved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an
increase of dlove toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be
his enemy; (never in anger)
Apply that to
parenting and tell me what we can learn.Go.
Are we ruling
unrighteously over our children?
If we took on the
perspective that children are our brothers and sisters in the gospel, although
younger than us and needing guidance, I think our homes would have a very
different feel.
I have read a lot of
parenting books. I have read a lot of child development books. I have
taught a lot of parenting classes. And although there are some great
resources that will improve parenting, really, what it all comes down to is
living gospel principles, as it usually does. I have decided child rearing is less about
learning ways to control our children, and more about learning how to control
ourselves.
“To be a good father and
mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs and desires in
favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice,
conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into
practice the selfless truths taught by the Savior Himself.”-James E. Faust
-Hmmm,
maybe these kids are supposed to teach us something. And change us.
Just like in most
aspects of life, it is all about perspective. I think sometimes, we take
on the perspective that because children are younger than we are, it is our
duty to control them and dictate over them. And, although it is our duty
to “train up a child in the way they should go” it is also our responsibility
to do it in a way that is conducive to the teachings of the gospel.
This next one is
my new greatest parenting technique. Ironically, it comes from the
oldest parenting book I own, the Bible. Anyone read it?
Don’t Yell at Their
Kids: Logan Murphy
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
but grievous words stir up anger. I have never had a stronger
testimony of this than I do right now as I have been really focusing on it.
President David O. McKay (1873–1970) spoke
about the necessity of controlling one’s communication:
“He is a weak man who will curse or condemn
some loved one because of a little accident. What good does it do him? He
[must] develop his spirit and control that anger, control his tongue. A little
thing? Trace it, and you will find that not yielding and not controlling it
bring many an unhappy hour in your home.” 2
In an article By J. Thomas Cearley who is a
director of LDS services he says,
“Stories regarding the “many unhappy hours” in
homes are truly tragic.
“If I could do it all over again,” wrote a
mother from Glendale, Utah, “I would commit to never raising my voice.
Ironically, as a young mother, I remember hearing an older woman say that she
never raised her voice to her children. I thought to myself, How
impractical!
“Yelling goes way back in my family tree. Everyone
yells, I thought. It’s just part of life. I had often given myself
over to my emotions and expressed my anger at the top of my voice at my
children. Then I became frustrated by their lack of cooperation and yelled my
orders even louder at them. I have even screamed to them that I could not
tolerate their yelling and quarreling any longer, not realizing that they had
learned to yell from me.
“Raising my voice invited the spirit of
contention into our home. Once it was there, the children learned to call each
other names and say cruel things to each other. I would respond with more anger
and accusations, and the negative feelings would continue to escalate.
“After yelling at my kids for the better part
of 20 years, I have learned what 3 Nephi 11:29 means: ‘He that hath the spirit of contention
is not of me, but is of the devil.’ Allowing the spirit of contention to enter
our home allowed darkness and depression to enter. It fostered meanness and
self-centeredness, and nearly destroyed unity, love, and family relationships.” 3
“Using demeaning, threatening words and
shouting can leave indelible impressions on a child’s mind. Hurtful words can
be used like a weapon to inflict injuries that are difficult to overcome. A
child who is continually criticized can begin to believe the negative messages.
Children who suffer repeated emotional or verbal abuse may experience
depression, develop feelings of low self-worth, and have difficulty in their
interpersonal relationships. All of these effects may extend into adulthood.”
That last part is kind of heavy, huh?
So, let’s not dwell on it, let’s just decide to stop yelling and
demeaning our children. Let’s not even
raise our voices. Let’s talk sweetly to
our children even when they are making us furious. Just decide not to do it and you will have to
think of other things to do.
I asked a friend if I could share her facebook
status with you. She agreed.
Sara’s Facebook:
Kids are making a serious
ruckus in the basement... Trying to decide what action to take....
I had to go look later
to see the comments because I was in the middle of preparing this lesson and
that had been on my mind all week. So I went back and this is what I
found.
Comment later: I
went down and lovingly tucked them in with a smile. Surprisingly it worked.
It works. Love
works. You can tell me all of the reasons and excuses in the world why it
won’t work for you, but it will.
If you don’t believe me,
I have testimonials to prove it. II asked a few of the couples in the ward to
try not to yell this week. I need a report.
I have been trying it
for about 2 and ½ weeks. I have not
raised my voice to my children or spoken to them in a mean way. I have just talked to them, sometimes
sternly, but never mean, and tried to listen to them. I will never go back to yelling or talking in
a condescending way. Never. It didn’t work. Love works and makes my home happier. My kids are just behaving so much better AND
I find it easier to deal with their tantrums when I have this perspective of
kindness no matter what. I am LOVING
it!!!
I want to talk to the
youth. Youth, does yelling work on you? Okay, well that street runs
both ways. When you yell at your parents or siblings, you are
accomplishing nothing, and it is exhausting. Don’t waste your time.
Love is the best means
of persuasion
In my opinion, the
teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence,
intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality,
perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in
life.-James E. Faust
Women: nurture children,
don’t just deal with them.
Husbands, support
your wives in their calling to nurture your children. Support
their ideas to help each child feel loved.
-Youth pray to be
prepared to rear children, boys, pray to find wives that will nurture with
love, it will be the thing that matters most in the end.
I will end with this:
“To be a good father and
mother requires that the parents defer many of their own needs and desires in
favor of the needs of their children. As a consequence of this sacrifice,
conscientious parents develop a nobility of character and learn to put into
practice the selfless truths taught by the Savior Himself.”-James E Faust
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